Grudge

My thesis is killing me – I can’t explain why the results are not going the way I want it. I can’t find enough fudge factors to change the assumptions and data to make it what I want. I am suppose to present the information tomorrow, but I am lost --- my job interview will go sucky now that I am resorting to just my charm.

Writer's block

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

I am totally having a writer’s block on my stupid thesis. I can’t seem to get a discussion going... because the results are screwy. Talk about disappointments.

As luck would have it, I also had to deal with a leak in my pipes. Thank goodness that it’s my neighbor’s pipes that are leaking. He turns out to be a contractor and will paint my ceiling this week. I am stripping the wallpaper and painting my bathroom this weekend.

I am also committed to work on couple consulting stuff. It’s totally crazy – just the amount of work and time – also lack of direction from the other end. I am sort of making up stuff for a story for… me! I guess if I am a convincing writer, my story will be their story.

The upside of it all is that I am sort of seeing the end of the tunnel. Once I am done, I can move on to bigger and better places – Europe! I think it’s time for me to go across the ocean. Obviously my boredom has not been resolved with moving across the continent. Although, I think it is definitely a worthwhile experience while you are young.

Since my Mommy instincts will probably kick in soon and before you know it, I will have a little one running around. I actually bought some new decoration baby’s room. It’s a hot air balloon cross stitch. It goes perfectly with the bunny family I did years ago. We will definitely have to add some shelving when the baby is here tho so she can have some places for her own decorations / toys.

To work or not to work?

I can’t believe it’s already March! I feel so behind on everything. I am trying to finish my thesis which is becoming so confusing. Nothing I do seem to be “right.” I feel like I am going with what my advisor says to do which does not align with my instincts. I feel he just has his own view and what the results are sort “fitting” the model. My hypothesis does not seem to fit the model the way it is, but I feel it’s better to leave it the way it is rather than transforming the data. I am not oppose to transforming if it give me a more logical result, but there are just so many problems.

1. The relationship I find is opposite to my hypothesis, where as leaving it normal gives me at least the right direction, if it is not the same magnitude as I imagined.
2. The model explains less variance than leaving it normal.
3. Interpretation just gets annoying – how do you tell a managed care that you save 13% when it’s easier to tell them they save $13.
4. If the other diagnostics is not better for the transformation, why not leave it alone?

I am aware that most of you have no idea what I am talking about, but the thing is – I am just trying to get a publication!! Why is it so hard?

I am also in the midst of getting a job. I am contemplating between learning and working at a real job. The VA here is sort of offering me a fellowship – to work with people that I believe will be famous in the field soon. I believe they are the rising golden children of epidemiology, infectious disease, and informatics. Plus I can continue to work and build relationship with Dept of Health in Utah. Then there is this other job where I can work on Medicare Part D for a PBM. They are both in line with health policy and what I want to do. The first job will give me ties to the Feds, and the second job will give me experience in the policy side for private sector.

The pay differential will be a lot too. The government job will pay about $40K with possibility of me supplementing my income with consulting or working in the pharmacy. The other job will probably pay me $90K +, but I will not have as much ties with the public. The good side is that I can live more comfortable and save up for the wedding if I take the better paying job. However, I feel that I may not have much of a career growth. Granted I will be taking a chance on the VA too because I am assuming that they will make it big and I will have a solid foundation with them. Also to add to the equation is that it’s a government job, I will get a lot of “unseen” benefits such as better 401K, healthcare, fringe benefits from the government and oh yeah, if I get pregnant, I probably get longer breaks. I guess it really comes down to comfort for now or later because the reality is, unless I live until I am old, I can’t see my 401K savings. Both jobs are in the air still. They sort of fell into my lap and people are working to create position or make it happen. That doesn’t mean too much if the economy goes sour or etc.

The last part is the wedding… to have or not to have. Personally, I think it’s dumb to have a wedding because:

1. Too much time and too much hassle.
2. Too much money, where I can use the money for my condo, travel around the world, or do other stuff with.
3. Too formal when I just want to have fun with people
4. Which pastor, priest, or any religious person would want to marry us when we don’t even go to church regularly – even NOW (he is supposedly Christian)
5. Everyone is too scattered, I hate to miss people out but at the same time I am not patient enough to accommodate everyone
6. Everyone wants to be part of something!!

Yes, I love to list things. I am just not sure what to do about that. I guess if we don’t a wedding then I won’t need the money then I can pick the job options based on the jobs. I guess I am leaning towards VA, but I feel bad that I won’t be able to help us have a better life in the next couple of years. Is this what growing up is all about?